Cages or Wings?

"Spring".... from my hand-written journal...written today

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 20:11:08 GMT

Well, it finally feels like spring. Today is sunny, and relatively warm compared to what we've had lately. This is a weird start to spring though, it has hardly rained at all. As far as I know there's not much rain in the forecast, either.

The sun feels good on my skin, my hands, my face. It's still too cold to bare much more! I walked around the yard looking for signs of new life- the buds on the trees was the most I could find in this yard. No early spring flowers coming up, and lots of bare dirt. The earth is dry and dusty-walking kicks up clouds of dust. But the buds on the trees, the birds chirping, even the bugs crawling by remind me that it is time. It's time for new life to begin.

It's amazing to me how God works. In November when the whole earth seemed to die, we lost our baby, Hope. What a bleak time that was. What a long, cold winter we had! In our hearts, and outside our door. We had little beauty this winter.

And yet here, at the end of March, God has blessed us with new life. 11 weeks pregnant, and things going well. A miracle. Spring. Not just outside, here in the sun, but in my heart, my soul. I feel I am coming alive again. That feeling is manifesting itself in many ways.

I want to get out, to physically be active again. I'm starting to get past the morning sickness (I hope!) and I'm ready to get outside and move. To walk, to plant things. I need to see life right now. To see growth.

I want to reconnect. With my savior, my healer, my God. I haven't been distant, but passive. I don't want to be anymore.

I want to be creative. To make something with my hands. Something viable. Something beautiful and useful. I want to get back to who I am, and what I do.

Most of all, I want to be a wife to my husband. We haven't grown apart lately. That's not what I mean. I guess I just feel like I've been so tired and sick lately that it's been hard to connect. I come home from work and want to go to sleep, and then we're always busy on the weekend. I want to have fun with him, do crazy things, act like we did when we were dating, when our love was new. I miss that. It's not that I dislike where our relationship has taken us. But I want to do something fresh with him. Something out of the ordinary.

I'm more than ready for spring...

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 14:16:06 GMT

Hi guys! I'm here to let you in on a little secret.

I'm pregnant!

I'm 10 weeks tomorrow. If you'd like to read more about it you can go here. This is my new LJ, although I'll be keeping and updating both. The new one is strictly a pregnancy journal. If you would like to read that journal please comment there and ask to be added since some (not all) of the entries are friends only.

Needless to say, we're extremely happy and very excited. My due date is October 17th. YAY!

I want the owange one

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 19:10:06 GMT

This is all from a conversation I had with Meg on AIM. I needed it. Not too long, but I thought I'd put it behind a cut anyway. Read and be blessed as I was. It took this conversation for me to realize that the God in me is powerful. And I can speak the truth even when I'm not feeling it, I still know it's the truth. And that is somehow freeing at the moment.

bluestarjenny626: i want to scream and yell and hurt... something.
bluestarjenny626: I want to hurt something as much as I'm hurting right now.
bluestarjenny626: That's why I"m afraid to wrestle.
Meg: the truth, Jenn, is that you won't ever hurt someone as much as you're hurting now.

bluestarjenny626: why is this such a theme in my life? Loss, pain, anger, over and over and over.
bluestarjenny626: oh, and the fear is in there too
Meg: i think its a theme in everyone's life. AT least every Believer's life. The World has no pain, because they have no sense of what should be
bluestarjenny626: i don't think that's true. they have pain, but they have no hope like we do. In a way I think their pain is worse.
bluestarjenny626: (although I do understand what you mean)
Meg: because there is no hope?
bluestarjenny626: No, because there IS hope, they just don't know it.
bluestarjenny626: I mean, Meg. What would you do if you didn't have the hope that Christ WILL bring you through whatever you're going through right now? Where would you be?
bluestarjenny626: Where would I be?
Meg: i know where I would be... its not pretty
bluestarjenny626: I would want to give up. I would probably want to end my life.
Meg: i was talking to beth about where id be if i wasnt a christian
Meg: and id have a kid or two probably... living off of wahtever money retail made me, trying to go to school part time
bluestarjenny626: But I can't. I can't because in my heart I KNOW that God will bring me through. I KNOW that I want the owange one**. I KNOW that He loves me more than I can ever understand and that HE has a plan that is better than I can imagine. He doesn't want me to have the ball on the end of the string. He wants to give me the owange kickball.
bluestarjenny626: Exactly Meg. That's where you'd be. And that's not where God wants you.
Meg: thats right. And that's the hope we have in Him
bluestarjenny626: I know that Meg. Even right now, I know that in my heart.
Meg: the Owange one, that we can play with and love, because He gives us what is good for us, not what we Want

**The "owange one" or the "owange kickball" and the "ball on the end of the string" refer to a video by Rob Bell, a pastor in Grand Rapids, MI. In the short video he talks about how his 2 year old son wanted this toy he saw at the mall. It was a ball on the end of a stretchy string that would velcro to your wrist. You throw it and it comes back and you catch it. But this toy would not have been good for him. It would have gotten tangled, or broken, or hit him in the face. What his son doesn't know at that point is that Rob and his wife had already decided to go to the sporting goods store after the mall and get him a kickball. Something so much better for him. So they leave the mall, his son kicking and crying because he thinks that he "needs" that stupid toy. And they go to the sporting goods store, Rob sets his son down in front of the wall of every color kickball, and says, "Son, pick one." His son looks up and says, "I want the owange one." And so Rob takes it off the shelf and gives it to his son. Rob then points out that that's kinda how we are with God. We think we know what we want. We think we know what we need. But what we don't understand, what we can't see, is that God has something so much better for us. Something that won't hurt us, or break us or get tangled up in our lives. Something that we have no idea even exists. But HE knows. And HE has it for us. And HE wants to give it to us.

God, I want the owange one.

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 18:13:20 GMT

So I'm trying to figure out what to do about my mom. I spent some more time with her today, the whole time wondering when I should say something. Or if I should say anything at all. I guess it just seems like so much work, and I'm not sure I have the energy to put into it.

Speaking of energy. I have none lately. None at all. All I want to do is sit around and do nothing. That's not very productive, and making me feel like a lazy person. But I'm not. I'm just tired all the time. I need to go get my blood tested again and see if they're messing up my meds or something. I'm supposed to go every 2 months anyway, and that was last week. So I need to go.

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 02:25:00 GMT

Is there a way to post pictures on here from my computer that aren't already on the web?

I also wanted to put a link on here to some of my wedding pictures that are on the web. Any help? I know I'm a dork, but I'm trying to learn. Please?

I need to start knitting more. And I want to learn to quilt. I want to make a quilt for my lover, to keep him warm when I cannot. But I don't know how. I mean, I can machine sew a quilt. But I dont' know how to really hand quilt. That would be cool to learn.

I just like this...

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 12:45:52 GMT

"the quiet thoughts
of two people a long time in love
touch lightly
like birds nesting in each other's warmth
you will know them by their laughter
but to each other
they speak mostly through their solitude
if they find themselves apart
they may dream of sitting undisturbed
in each other's presence
of wrapping themselves warmly
in each other's ease"

~Hugh Prather

"Love expands: it not only sees more and enfolds more, it causes it's object to bloom." ~HP

So cute

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 12:40:34 GMT

So last night I called my former employers back since they had called me over the weekend. They put their son, Ben (who's 2) on the phone, and he said, "Hoo (which is his nickname for me... don't ask where it came from. When I started he could not say Jenn), Hoo come Ben's house?" It was so cute. When I left that job, he could barely put 2 words together. So the fact that he said a sentance to me was crazy! I miss him a lot. So I decided to babysit for them this Saturday afternoon. I'll be there for like 6 hours, and they'll pay me at least $10/hr. So that's sweet. That's what I got paid when I worked for them, and she offered me more, since it's a weekend. So it might be more like $11. Nice. We can definitely use the extra cash. We need to be saving for Christmas, plus Chris' birthday right before Christmas. So yeah. I'll be babysitting when I can.

I'm going to the library this morning with my mom. Considering last night and my feelings about my mom at the moment... well, I don't really want to go.

Pray for Chris, he has an interview this afternoon at 3 o'clock. This job would be really good for him. (and me!) So yeah. Please pray.

I LOVE YOU, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR INTERVIEW!

Yeah, so I'm a dork...

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 12:51:31 GMT

So yeah. I think I broke my little toe. And the story of how is kind of funny.

I was wearing baggy hospital comfy pants. As I was going into the bathroom (I was going there cause I had to pee, duh...), my foot got caught in them and I started to fall. I pulled my foot out and somehow swung it around to try and stop myself from falling and caught just my little toe on the doorway. It bent comepletely sideways. You know, the way it's NOT supposed to bend. I think I felt a snap, but can't be sure. Anyway, I somehow still managed to get to the toilet (which is good because it hurt so bad I might have peed my pants had I NOT gotten there...) and then just sat there and cried. Chris came in and asked what the heck happened and I couldn't even really explain it to him. So he mostly carried me to our room and I lied down on the bed while he got a bucket of ice water for me to stick my foot in. I'm crying this whole time, mind you. Well then he sat behind me and held me while I stuck my foot in that friggin-cold water, the pain shooting up my leg. Holy smokes. I can't even tell you. Finally my foot went numb, and it stopped hurting quite so bad, so I took my foot out of the water and compared it to my other foot. It didn't look that bad I guess, but bad enough. So I put my foot on top of a couple pillows and tried to sleep. Chris offered to take me to the hospital, but they don't do anything for broken little toes anyway.

I woke up this morning and it's black and blue and swollen. But at least I can sort of hobble around on it, which is good cause I had to come to work this morning. I brought my slippers and just wore flip flops here. I was NOT about to put socks and/or shoes on today. But it's still pretty darn painful. I think I should maybe ice it again. I don't know.

Rar. That's the end of my story.

First Entry

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 17:06:25 GMT

This journal is for myself. It's time I start writing more. I miss it.
If you're reading this, you probably already know me, or know something about me. So I'm not going to introduce myself. I'll try to be diligent in updating, but we'll see how that goes. For now...

I'm going to go eat lunch. Man am I hungry.